The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I might give this a try 😏
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.