Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.