Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Happy Friday

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?