The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
FINE, I WON’T.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion