What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
prepare for carbonated trouble
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.