The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
You Might Also Like
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week