The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.