@TheCatWhisprer

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

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@bingowings14

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

@TheBoydP

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

@DadandBuried

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

@Mr_Kapowski

Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-

LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE

@zacharyflynn

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

@randypaint

making better choices in 2020:
-hard
-impressive
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-easier
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say

@Social_Mime

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

@peeznuts

*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*

-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet

@reallifemommy3

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”