Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*
Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-
LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
making better choices in 2020:
-everyone expects it
making worse choices in 2020:
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*
-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”