The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me driving through Toronto
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier