Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.