Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.