Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

this post was so formative to me

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*