Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Might start laying my own eggs

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much