Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.