The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
You Might Also Like
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.