If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Fiction has to make sense.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
oh u like geography? name every lake
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.