Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

My plans: 2020:

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

fr

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.