Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.