Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.