The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
You Might Also Like
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right