The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
won’t smith
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
