The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
fixed it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
When you don’t understand how floors work
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
british sex workers really pound for pound
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up