Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef