The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
This forever.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was