The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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“I’m helping” 😅
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I like long walks away from everyone