The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
The Onion called it…again.
