The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
You Might Also Like
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
The French word for sex is croissant.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert