The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I wish this was real life…
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.