The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Ugh but profoundly
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.