The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
my dad has had enough
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there