The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.