Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter