I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Turns out all the electrical wires in this house are Twizzlers so we’re looking at another $3000 added to the budget
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I was tailgating a slow driver earlier. He brake checked, flipped me off, and when that didn’t work he turned his police lights on. Jerk.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that