@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

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@mack44_d

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

@primawesome

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

@AnniemuMary

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

@500Riles

[Interview]

Boss: Have you ever been fired?

Me: Depends on who you ask

B: If I ask your last employer?

Me: They’d say yes

@PLATINUM2000

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

@kwirkyKerri

Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.

@JustDontBugMe

Me: Another nightmare?
Him: Why?

M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”

H: …
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.

@ceejoyner

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.