@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

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@ThugRaccoons

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@Bnowaygirl

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

@Darlainky

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@PJTLynch

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter