16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
Boss: Have you ever been fired?
Me: Depends on who you ask
B: If I ask your last employer?
Me: They’d say yes
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.
Me: Another nightmare?
M: You were yelling “Dora the Explorer help! No Swiper, no!”
M: Maybe lay off the cartoons, bruh.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.