The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
what’s really going on
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Acronyms got me like WTF?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)