The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?