Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

Not today. 😅

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Don’t we all.