The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”