Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

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