the best thing i’ve ever made
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Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.