The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
#Thanos #MondayMood
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.