The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.