The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD