The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
📽️movie date🎞️
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
How tf did it end up there?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*