The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Hear me out: WrestleVania
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
journal
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.