Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you stereotypes are all alike

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew