The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You Might Also Like
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker