The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
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America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done