Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?