Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Breaking news:

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.