“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I hope this email finds you in a well
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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