Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!