Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

o shit

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.