“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Pigeon open mic night.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.