Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just leave it at the foot of the bed

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats