Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.