The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?


Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…


I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work


This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.


If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.


My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account


“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.