@SteevUmc

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

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@Home_Halfway

Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”

@murrman5

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

@sofarrsogud

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@DanMentos

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

@hoops_Daddy

Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.

Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.

@_TeaChap

I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

@That_Damn_Duck

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…