@SteevUmc
@Home_Halfway
Why do we call it “hiring a hitman” and not “ordering takeout”
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@Home_Halfway
@murrman5
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
@sofarrsogud
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
@Not_From_Troy
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
@deardilettante
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
@DanMentos
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
@hoops_Daddy
Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased.
Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.
@_TeaChap
I went on a date last night!nIt went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
@That_Damn_Duck
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
@stephenjmolloy
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
