Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

LMAO.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.