Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances