Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower