The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?