Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

#oldknees

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

White Castle for the Win

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.