The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.