Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

I’m not average. I’m mean.

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Just me and my debit card against the world

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

👀

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.