The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I want what they have
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids