RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?