The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.