The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
#Caturday
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.