the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”