Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Frog purse.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE