Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

It’s on my to-do list.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Baller is short for ballerina