Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Planet of the Apps.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’