The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
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Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
$3 #books
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
🗽
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened