The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I have so many questions.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Love is in the air fryer.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car