Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Just ordered me some pizza!

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Bless you

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.