The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Breaking news:
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Is this a threat?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.