The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.