Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Taliband

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.