Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

I didn’t come here to be called names

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

ready to be harvested

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

You wish you had this many chins.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is